College football season is only a few days away here in the Deep South and I cant wait! Tailgating, pizza in front of the TV, and Game Day! Throwing the football on the Quad! The faint sounds of the band warming up. The smell of grills cooking barbecue, hamburger and many other culinary delights! It is a wonderful thing! In fact, I predict I will blog about the experience again before this season is over. Count on it! But one of the things that I hate about the coming of the season: Local sports talk radio.
I love to listen to intelligent discussion about college football. I enjoy the dissection of each team and their strengths and weaknesses. I like hearing people, more knowledgeable than myself, discuss strategy for upcoming games as well as commenting on where teams went right or wrong on the previous Saturday. I like well-thought-out comments regarding the rankings and why one team should be ranked higher than another. HOWEVER, it is the "well-thought-out" aspect that seems to have been sidelined. I am not sure how anyone with a brain can listen to sports talk radio down here after the first kickoff.
The host of the local sports call-in radio show is a nationally syndicated sports reporter. I really have no beef with him except that he seems to have lost his desire for serious discussion about college football. It is my belief that he has given up. I cant say that I blame him. He probably used to go to work every day with an interesting topic to discuss. He probably did a lot of study and preparation so that he would be ready for intelligent repartee regarding the latest strategies of defenses around the country. It was probably never his intention for his show to sink to its current level. He is probably embarrassed to be presiding over the variety of callers that he gets in a typical day. It is really poignant when someone calls in who actually has a real point to make and something of value to discuss. You can ALMOST hear real passion in the host's voice.
What has happened? It is only a theory, but I believe that the call-in number has an almost magical effect. Once dialed, it transports grown men back to third grade. Reasonable men with actual careers. Intelligent members of society who have important jobs. This phone number sends them to a time capsule that takes them back to age eight. Having had two boys, I know the age very well. And as I listen to the discussions, I cant help but be reminded of sleepovers composed of five or more third grade boys, arguing in the basement.
"My dad is bigger than your dad!"
"Well, my dad is stronger than your dad!"
"Uh-Uhhhhh! My dad is bigger and smarter than your dad"
"So"
"So"
"So"
"Well you are stupid"
"You are stupider than me!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-Huh!"
You get the picture. Substitute the word "team" for "dad" in the above conversation and you have very close to a direct transcript of the show on any given day. There is no way that a simple discussion of college sports by grown men can dissolve into the name-calling, mud-slinging, afternoon that it has become. There has to be something about that phone number! What other possible explanation could there be?
Adding credence to my theory, are the "regulars" that call in to the show. These "regulars" must suffer more effects from the phone number time machine. Perhaps because of the frequency of their calls, they are transported further back in time, somewhere between nursery school and kindergarten.
"You are a poopyhead!"
"No, YOU are a poopyhead!"
"I know my letters!"
"Not as good as me!"
"MOMMY! He just called me a poopyhead!"
These extreme regressors are even harder to take because, while neither they nor the third graders have any desire to carry on reasonable discussion, they call in EVERY DAY! Their contribution to the show isnt third grade bravado. It is kindergarten name-calling. They also "contribute" by adding fuel to the fire of the third grade campout. The third graders call in to tell everyone what "poopyheads" the kindergarteners are (plus the fact that their dad is bigger than "poopyhead's" dad.
Particularly hard for me are the callers that represent my school. Since my blog is called "Crimson Tidings", I dont think it is hard for anyone to see where my loyalties lie. While I cringe when I hear the "children" call in who "support" other schools, I can at least say "Thank goodness he isnt from my school". It is purely painful when a "supporter" of my school calls in. Unfortunately, there are plenty of "poopyheads" to go around.
Now before you go feeling too much sympathy for the host, you have to ask why he continues to let these "regulars" call in. I mean, they dont disguise their names or their voices. The host knows who they are. He welcomes their call. I have an idea that he has stopped caring. He has allowed the show to become nothing more than a name-calling day at the playground. He is responsible for the content and could steer the conversation in any direction he chooses. Yet he continues to "next caller" himself into a coma. Could it be that his ratings climb higher as the discussion dissolves? I refuse to believe it.
If I believe that, it means that it isnt the phone number that transports the callers to elementary school. That would mean that the men who listen to the show are also transported. That would be too evil to contemplate!
Perhaps the host is also transported by answering the calls. And maybe since he answers so many calls, he is magically transported to the age of two or three. Maybe the show coincides with his nap! Shhh!
I really wish they would change that number so that adult conversation reigned and I could learn more, through others' ideas, about the sport that I love so much! If they wont change the number, I, at least, want to know one thing; If a man calls in and is magically sent to third grade, if I call in will my wrinkles go away?
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